It has been my third meeting
with him ever since my mom call it quit. He just sat beside me and let the
silence takes control. I looked down, stare at the pavement and the green grass
by the side of the pavement. I have nothing else left to say. I have had enough
with what had happen lately. The man beside me definitely has no idea what I
have gone through and looks like he has not done yet with all the nonsensical
act that he has done and has yet to come up with. I felt bored. Looked at my
watch. Oh shit, that's it! I gave him more than a good fifteen minutes to say
things. I'm better off! I stand up and ready to go when he grab hold of my
arms, put his hand into mine. "Don't go yet, please, bear with me for a
while longer dear." I gave him a hard look. That brief moment, I realised
that for a 48 year old man, he do look good. Too good actually like someone in
late thirty's. His neat and stylish outlook make women begging for his company.
Yeah, I am one of those women and I am only 24. "Tina, listen to what I
have to say, I know that you have been having a rough time for the past few
months. Believe me that I would not have hurt you if I have known all this
while about your mom. Things gotten complicated when I met her again the past
one year. Yes, I do agree when you scolded me in front of everybody in the
office that I have been deceiving you but not to that kind of deceiving that
you have in mind. I will lose you if I told you that she was my ex-fiance in
the past and would you ever gave me a chance to explain this? You will just
shun me and left me miserable. Frankly, I wont be able to live if that happen.
I love you so much. It has been a wonderful 3 year relationship with you and I
am ready to go forward, having you as my life partner. You very well know that
this is not easy for me. I have a failed marriage once which lasted for only
five years and have been alone for almost ten years and when I met you, my life
changed tremendously. Happiness filled every corner of my heart. You are what I
have been looking for all this while. I am not pursuing the things which came
back from my past. She is just my past and I am just being a friend who
listens."
I
let go of his grasp from my hand. I don't need to answer him and just go but
this goddamn feeling of love cant bear to just leave yet. I breathe in deeply taking
out all of the courage I have left inside me. "How do you expect me to
react when I knew that my own mother has loved or still in love with the same
man that I have feelings for? I just cant afford to close one eye and let
things pass by easily. Even if my mom said that she was just merely having
conversation with an old friend. We both know an old friend meant differently
in this case. She was your ex-fiance for goodness sake! A lot of things
happened when both of you were engaged and you think I can just exceptionally
excused that from my mind. After donkey years, after your failed marriage and
her so called pretentious marriage, you two met with each other again. I did
saw that vibrant, smiley rose-cheek face of my mom for that past year after she
met you. You must have given her hopes. I cant deny the fact that her marriage
was hopeless and she is just pretending to be happy with a man that she married
for 28 years and to have stayed loyal through out. I cant save this
relationship Ian. How do we continue from here after this? and my mom, how will
she look upon you as her son-in law? I dont think this is right. Its best we go
our separate ways." I sank back beside him and tears rolled down slowly.
This gonna be hard for me. I felt like there's a sharp thing piercing my
heart hard and it bleeds profusely. I lay my head on his shoulder, probably for
the last time. As usual he will put his hand around me and the other, took my
fingers to his soft lips. I loved when he do that to me but I cant have him. I
can't stop the tears now. Its gonna poured non stop. I have made up my mind. I
am going for good. This relationship will make me suffer. Having to think that
Ian has once loved my mother probably slept with her and had some beautiful
moments together. That'll crushed my heart. Ian let go off my fingers and sit
straight up. Suddenly his face looked serious. He pull out a silver rectangle
box from inside his jacket. He shoved it to me. For a moment, I paused and look
at him. "I meant to give this to you last week, on your birthday and at
the same time proposed to you but everything went wrong when you saw your
mother in my office. As I have explained, she came as a friend seeking advice
when no one was there to give her one. So I'm just simply being a friend. And
that hug was merely just a friendly hug not like our hugging each other. Its
all different y'know!" Urgghhh! the same statement throughout and I have
heard this for almost ten times. No! nothing will change my decision. I put the
silver box back on his hand. "Too bad, the episode's over Ian and I am
leaving this relationship. It wont work. Give it another five to ten years, I
still dont see that it will work. We are just not meant for each other. I have
loved you Ian, loved you so much till it hurts and a lot of damage has been
done here. I dont even know whether I could ever love again.
Just
to let you know, I am going away. To Italy. I will take that photog position
offer, based there for five years or more or maybe forever. Hey, you should
patch things up with my mom. She will be very happy. I will be gone soon and it
will make things easier for you guys." Ian just shake his head in
disbelief after all the things I have said. "You really dont believe me do
you? Where was that trust we had the past three years together? And the love,
how about the love we both feel for each other? So, going away will solved
everything for you right. It will not matter to you how miserable I will be and
lost without you around. For the record and for god-knows how many times I must
tell you, that I don't love your mother. She is just a friend. I love you Tina!
I wont be myself if you'll go." I turn to face Ian and looked into
his deep sad eyes. Put my fingers on his soft lips. I will miss that. A tear
drop from Ian's eyes. He pulled me closer and kissed me hard. I wanted him so
bad but that hurt feeling always came to remind me. I pulled myself away from
him. "Tina, I hope you will think this over even when you're already in
Italy. Bring this silver box with you. I am praying hard that god will help to
open up your heart back for me. I will wait for you and you know I will always
be here for you no matter what." With that Ian stood up and go. He left me
feeling confused and lost.
The
next whole week was torturous for me. I packed my stuff, get rid of lots of
things before my move to Italy. My mom has been ignoring me since and we leave
messages instead on the fridge with post-it notes.
My
father as his usual, were never at home, lost in his own world. Being the only
child, I have no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on and worst dealt every
single thing alone and that was since when I was 8 years of age. Every time I
think of that, I felt sick in the stomach. Here I am all alone again, for the
umteenth time.
My
eye caught the silver box under the pillow which I left it and slept after
crying while holding it for a long time last night. I decided to open it up and
see what's inside. A beautiful necklace with a heart pendant and a beautiful
ring with a small diamond of a heart shape. I am touched and mesmerized
at the same time. Those were the most beautiful gift that I have ever had
before. It makes me smile. It seems like the gift has Ian's smile in it. I
missed him badly but I can't turn everything back. I have said enough to Ian.
My decision's final.
Slowly,
I walked to the dresser where I placed all of my loved items in a very tall
glass. Open the lid and placed the two hearts in it. Its the best place for the
two hearts. It made me smile. I counted all the hearts in there. It surprised
me as there's total of 12 hearts in there. Though the hearts are of from
different things but they mean a lot to me and I will keep it as a momento of my
love. Love can makes you suffer and why do you have to suffer when you can make
someone else suffer for you. I smiled for having succeed another time!
